Uncle Pete

by John Pirog

            Bill Graham adjusted his tie uneasily as he entered the vestibule of the Cole funeral home. After a brief walk up a short flight of stairs and a turn to the right, he found himself in 'Chapel B.' The casket containing the remains of his uncle Pete lay near the West wall of the small, dimly lit room. The smell of lilacs and roses permeated the air as the funeral home's intercom system played a tape loop of slow, mournful spirituals. An organist's version of "Amazing Grace" droned on softly as Bill approached the coffin.

           The rest of the Graham family would be here shortly, and it was important that Bill gave the appearance of the perfect "mourning nephew" for all to see. Since Uncle Pete died of a "mysterious fall" down the back stairs while in his care, it was necessary to show the kinfolk just how "broken up" he was over his uncle's untimely death. Being the first to arrive at the home and the last to leave would help to convince even the skeptics in his family that uncle Pete's death was indeed an 'accident' and that the $75,000 Bill was subsequently inheriting was an unrelated factor.

           Stepping up to the mahogany casket, Bill looked down on uncle Pete's body. In a stark contrast to the blue overalls and flannel shirt worn by him in life, a rather expensive looking brown suit clothed his remains. His normally disheveled grey-white hair was neatly combed and parted to the right side. The hands of the corpse were typically dry and 'powdered' looking and the face appeared somewhat waxy.

           The fatal wound across the forehead that marked the spot where uncle Pete's head had struck the corner of the bottom step was rendered nearly undetectable by the magic of mortuary makeup. While gazing down at his uncle's remains, the murderous nephew recalled how bloody and bruised the body appeared at the scene of the accident and how, in contrast, uncle Pete was a picture of serenity and neatness at this time.

           Bill began to chuckle softly to himself as he recalled an old, tasteless joke he had heard years before: "Two pals were at a wake for a mutual friend of theirs who had passed away", he spoke quietly while smiling to himself. "Looking down at the dead guy, one of them says, 'Gee, he looks pretty good!' The second friend replies, 'Well, I GUESS SO...He just got back from the hospital!' " Gazing callously at the face of his uncle Pete's remains, Bill whispered, "Did you GET it, uncle Pete ? He looks good because he just got back...." Before the murderer could complete his sentence, the rigor mortis-hardened right hand of uncle Pete seized his left arm firmly, pulling him down until his face was only inches away from that of the corpse.

            Uncle Pete's head turned stiffly and his blue-gray eyes flashed open angrily. Their dull gaze focused directly into Bill's own eyes. Before he could scream, the corpse's left hand reached over and clamped his throat in a vice grip, closing off his windpipe. Bill's eyes bulged and grew red as uncle Pete's hold tightened. The last sensation that the murderer experienced before losing consciousness was that of his neck bone cracking.

            Fifteen minutes later, uncle Pete's niece Jolene entered the chapel with her mother. "Oh mom", she stammered before breaking down in tears. Both women sobbed and held each other for several moments before Jolene spoke again: "I...I guess the injuries were pretty bad for the undertaker to close the casket like that."

            The funeral was held later that day. As expected, the entire family turned out to pay last respects to their beloved uncle Pete. The parlor was abuzz throughout the morning and afternoon concerning Bill's conspicuous absence. The six pallbearers also remarked on the unexpected HEAVINESS of the casket at the ceremony's conclusion, but aside from those factors the funeral went off without a hitch.